Ten Resolutions For The Rest Of Us
How many years in a row have you made the same three or four resolutions and failed to keep them? You said you'd exercise more, but did you? You said you'd eat better, but did you? You said you'd be nicer to everyone, but let's face it, honey, you're the same hateful bitch you were a year ago, and you love it.
So a few years ago, I vowed to stop making impossible resolutions. Instead, every year, I make a list of resolutions of the sort that I think we can all get behind.
In 2006 I resolve to:
1. Eat all the fat, carbs, and sugar I damn well please. For breakfast on New Year’s Day I’m having twelve cupcakes and a stick of butter. Fuck you, Dr Atkins! I spit gnocchi on your grave!
2. Screw the gym! I’ve worked out religiously for years, and have I developed smooth, sleek, muscley Arms Of Love? No sir, I have not. So screw it. Me and my metabolism ain’t gonna play no more. I’m spending that hour every day watching TV and eating bon bons on my couch.
3. Binge drink all the damn time, and consequently
4. Have more drunken one-night stands. Because everybody loves an easy lay.
5. Stop pretending I like you, you and stupid ironic tee shirt and your so-called “indy cred” and your stupid ugly face! I hate you! Go to hell, Stinky McWhoreface, and take all your stupid dirty hippie friends from Burning Man with you!
6. Self-medicate. Who needs self-esteem when you have Paxil?
7. Have more drunken one-night stands. Who needs self-esteem when you’re an easy lay?
8. Overspend. The good lord gave us credit cards for a reason. So really, isn’t it a sin not to go into debt? Isn’t it? Isn’t it?
9. Keep a self-indulgent narcissistic online journal where I talk about friends, family, and coworkers without impunity. So what if I lose my job, become ostracized from my relatives, and turn into a social recluse? At least I’ll have a legion of adoring fans who will support me and hang upon my every word whenever I write about pooping in the bathtub or that really cute thing my fucking cat did the other day.
10. Peace on earth, goodwill to man, blah blah blah. All that good stuff.